BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!  This might be the most unintentionally hilarious infomercial of all time!  I think we can all agree that it was a guy who made this product, right?  I'm sure it was some dude that wasn't gettin' enough action at home or realized his woman was a little "weak" in certain areas.  I never knew that motion was considered "Dynamic Inertia".  HA HA!!!

Ladies, if you want to get sculpted arms just hook your man up with a little extra foreplay action on a more regular basis.  You'll get that workout you're looking to get your arms toned for your dresses and tank tops and your man will be more than happy to help you with your "workout" every day. 

Has it really come to this?  "And in these tough times, ring it back into the glass and it's ready to drink all over."  WOW!  That is the most retarded thing I've ever heard.  That's ridiculous even for the sketchy infomercial folks to say.  Who thought that was a good idea? 

This is either a complete joke or an outtake from the actual informercial because hey can't be dumb enough to use this as a selling point.   Um, right?!?!

Are you tired of the ever present toxins that come from the backbreaking struggle of modern life?

Is it sad that not I not only recognize every one of these ads but I've also seen them multiple times?  It's not like I'm an insomniac or watch TV 18 hours a day.  I do have a job and I'm doing stuff like writing sarcastic blog posts about infomercials when I get home.  That's kind of productive, right?

It's kind of crazy when you see all of the sales pitches all in one place like this.  You would think Americans were fat, lazy, poor and...oh wait.  We really are very busy and waste a lot of money though.  Damn, life sure is tough.  Thank God we have all of these products to make our lives easier/better/more productive.

Thanks crappy infomercial products!

I'm not sure what to think about the "Bottle Top".  On one hand, it seems like it would actually be kind of useful.  My wife leaves open cans all over the place and I just end up throwing them out or finishing off the warm, flat grossness on my own so we're not wasting any soft drink goodness.   Maybe the Bottle Top will help save our marriage because I will stop yelling at her for leaving fallen soldiers all over the place like it was a college dorm party.   I should make her funnel the remainder as part of my marital hazing...

On the other hand, do you really need a product like this?  How often are you really going to remember to go grab it on your way out the door or go outside to BBQ?  It seems like more of a hassle than anything else and it's just another plastic product that's going to take up valuable space in your cabinets.

You could also just buy smaller cans like those little 8 oz. joints you see at bars.  They're cheaper and you don't have to worry about the waste but you might look like an idiot holding on to a soda fit for a midget.  Or you could just buy bottles and solve the problem altogether.

One last thing.  There is no way in hell anyone is using this with their beer  cans unless they are a complete tool.  If I ever see someone sipping their Budweiser or Miller Lite with one of these things on top, I will give them a smack.  Just drink it faster, sissy!!!

 WOW!  Is this for real?   

"For over 100 years we've been SCRUNCHING and FOLDING toilet paper. Finally there's a better way!"

Um, I didn't realize there WAS a problem.  Did people really have issues with "touching" dirty toilet paper?  Just fold it over stupid.  And who the F scrunches it up like that to wipe their ass?  No wonder you are getting shit on your hands you morons!

Oh!   I see who they are trying to "reach" with the Comfort Wipe.  All the fat mofos that can't reach their ass.   

"Being a big guy certainly has it's advantages and it's disadvantages."

What were those advantages again?  I'm pretty sure this dude can't see his penis or walk up a flight of stairs without sweating through his shirt and passing out so any "advantage" he has for being a fat bastard is pretty much nullified.  Winning a pie eating competition is not something I really need to do.

"Extend your reach a full 18 inches."

YIKES!  If you need that much extra reach you should probably just kill yourself.  Wait a minute!  It's not just fat people?  Old people want in on this too?

"It's embarrassing to have someone help you with your personal matters.  The Comfort Wipe allows you to maintain your dignity while you maintain your personal hygene."  

HA!  I'm pretty sure any dignity you had left just flew out the window as soon as you signed on to do this awful infomercial.  I guess Social Security wasn't paying the bills anymore. 

This might be the most retarded infomercial product ever!  RIDICULOUS!!!

R.I.P. Billy Mays
Wow.  I don't know what to say.  What is going on with all of these celebrity deaths?  This has been a rough couple of weeks.  First it was Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.  Now it's Billy Mays.

Michael Jackson's death really messed me up because he was a big childhood idol of mine.  Although it was not as equally devastating to most people, the death of Billy Mays really upset me a well.  He is one of the main reasons that I started  I love infomercials because of this guy.

Even though most of the site is dedicated to making fun of the ridiculous and amusing infomercials on late night TV, I still felt the need to highlight Billy Mays in a serious manner.  I never thought the products he was promoting were a joke because he sold it so well.  He had ridiculous energy and always made you feel like he believed in the product he was selling.  There was nothing fake about him.

I think he was well on his way to becoming a much bigger star because of the success of his Discover Channel show "Pitchmen".  If you watched the show, you could see that not only was he very serious about his job but he was also a good guy who liked to have fun.  There was something about his personality that instantly made you like him and you could see that he was loved by people everywhere he went.  He will definitely be missed.  My love of infomercials may never be the same.

Here are a few of his classic infomercials and some random dedication videos below.  Check out my previous post "The Best of Billy Mays - Volume 1" or the Top 10 Billy Mays Commercials over at  There are some super rare infomercials in there that even I have never seen!

This isn't quite infomercial related but it's definitely close enough to post on this site.  QVC and the Home Shopping Network are basically the live versions of infomercials anyway.  I'm sure most of the products discussed in this video have probably had some version of an infomercial at one time or another.

The funny thing is, this video is supposed to be making fun of all the crap they show you on these channels and how you don't really need them but I found myself thinking "Damn.  I kind of want that" or "Oh shit!  I NEED that!"

I already have a nice all in one printer with a scanner that I bought for about $100 but I definitely feel like I need the 4x6 portable photo scanner.  It's only $76.92!!!!  I'm an idiot.  


I have a feeling the real ShamWow Guy doesn't have the balls to do any of this in real life but I could totally see him setting up a table in the lunch room and schooling inmates on the finer qualities of an upgraded shank that they can purchase for a low introductory rate of 2 packs of smokes and a broken CD player.  What a jackass.

This is a freakin' awesome parody of the notorious Hooker Beating ShamWow guy, Vince Offer. It was so much better than I expected it to be too. My expectations were super low.  How many times have you actually seen a good infomercial parody?  Probably never. 

The guy playing the role as Vince does a great job of imitating the real Vince's voice inflections, catch phrases and ad libs which makes it that much better. He probably watched the ShamWow video about a billion times to get that down so good.

That was some funny ish...

This isn't exactly infomercial related but it does involve my main man Billy Mays, so I just had to post it up.  I expected this to be funnier but it doesn't matter.  Anything with Billy Mays in it is instantly on my must see list.

The video does get better at the end though.  He pays for his value meal with a $100 bill and then gets hit on by the two girls working the drive thru.  That's Infomercial Pimpin' at it's finest!!!

"NO F'N WAY!!!"  That's all I could say when I first heard about the new reality show "PitchMen" starring Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan.  This is an absolute dream come true.  Although I usually fun of infomercials, I do enjoy them quite a bit, especially when it's a cool and useful product and the pitch is done right.  It's cheesy but if you have something useful for a mass market, it's a great way to sell a product.

I always wondered what the process was to get a product to market using an infomercial and now we will get to see that from behind the scenes.  This is such a great idea and I'm surprised no one had thought of this before but I am glad that Billy Mays decided to sign on because he is the first person you think of these days when you hear the word infomercial.  Anthony Sullivan is no slouch himself and I'm sure you have seen him in the Swivel Sweeper ads that have been running for the past few years.

They are a great pairing as Billy Mays is loud and in your face while Anthony Sullivan comes across as sophisticated an informative (it must be the foreign accent).  They compliment each other nicely.  I am seriously looking forward to this show and I will definitely be recording the entire season on my DVR.  I am sure you will be hearing more about "PitchMen" from me once it airs on the Discovery Channel starting April 15th.  SWEET!!!

Pitchmen's Discovery Channel Site

I always felt like the new school infomercial dude Vince Offer (better known as Vince the ShamWow Guy) was a little bit sketchy but beating up a hooker is not something I saw happening so early in his career.  It's one thing to turn to the dark side when all of the infomercial gigs have dried up but doing all of this shady shit at the peak of your career?  That's just DUMB. 

I guess I could have seen this coming though. There is just something a little bit off about this guy.   I never trusted him and his weak ass products like I trust the one and only Billy Mays.  The ShamWow is actually just a rip off of the Zorbeez towel too.  This guy can't even get his own products!  Not cool, man.  Not cool: 

Not only did he copy Billy Mays and the Zorbeez almost line for line at times but he's also a little too pushy and arrogant for my liking.  I bet he got beat up as a kid because he was such a tool:
Take a look at that mug shot again.  DAMN!!!  He looks like he's been awake for 3 straight weeks on a coke, meth and heroin binge. Actually, he kind of looks like some of the Southie locals I see at the corner liquor store buying booze and 25 different scratch tickets. He barely resembles that youthful clown with a spiky fohawk in the ShamWow infomercial.

He was probably celebrating the recent success of the simple but effective kitchen tool, the Slap Chop.  What better way is there to celebrate a successful product launch that with a hooker!?!?!  Yikes. 

By the way, have you seen the infomercial for the Slap Chop yet?  It is classic material.  I think he is now bringing a new definition to the "You're gonna love my nuts!" line.  Awesome!

(WARNING: This video will auto-play. I couldn't figure out how to shut it off so just pause it if you are trying to watch something else. I know it's annoying. Sorry.)

Before I start dissecting the actual infomercial for the utterly ridiculous Buxton Over The Shoulder Bag, can I ask the ladies out there WHY THE F#$% they need to carry so much garbage around all the time?  Is it written in to your DNA?  I mean seriously.  It has gotten completely out of control.  The pre-wife carries what is the equivalent of a hockey bag and then complains when she can't find her cell phone in less than a half hour.  She could probably fit a midget in one of those ugly ass things too.

And enough with those awful Vera Bradley brightly colored bags that threw up paisley all over themselves.  What the hell are those things anyway?  It looks like someone's grandmother took an old blanket they had lying around and decided to make a bag out of it and then randomly charge $400.  It's just awful.  Maybe I will sew together a bunch of my old sweatshirts, give it a catchy name and start selling them for some absurd amount of money too.  I bet it would sell because people are DUMB!

Vera Bradley Pictures, Images and Photos
Can't you ladies just carry what you need for the day in a smaller bag?  How much of that crap do you actually use on a regular basis anyway?  There is a reason you can't find anything in there.  You are basically carrying around a junk drawer "just in case" you need something.  How about sticking to the bare necessities and taking it from there.

So enough with my somewhat related rant.  Let's get back to the actual infomercial.  Maybe the Buxton Over the Shoulder Bag is a necessary product after all.  I guess Buxton really found their niche since this is does seem like such a serious issue that they are helping to solve.  Have you ever actually seen someone wear one of these bags though?  Even computer nerds that carry around laptop bags all day would think this bag was awful.  That's just not a good look.

Let's take a look at some of their key selling points and see if anyone in their right mind would order one of these things: 

Buxton; Quality leather since 1898 - And where exactly have you been selling your products for the past 100+ years?  No one has ever heard of you.  That's not a good sign.
The biggest little bag ever - I'll give them some credit on this one.  It's a catchy tag line and it's kind of true.  As ugly as this bag is, it can sure fit a hell of a lot of crap in it!  2 Points.

It's expandable!  Store 2 regular size water bottles and an umbrella!!! - Why would you need all of that in one day?  Water is about a $1 a bottle.  I'll give you the 2 bucks. And if it rains, just go inside a building or catch a cab.  Don't take advantage of the expandable feature and save yourself the future back pain.  You will thank me later.

It's stylish design looks great with any outfit.  Similar bags can cost up to $100.  Call now and get the Buxton Organizer in GENUINE Leather for just $19.95!  - There's just too much going on in this one little paragraph but I will give it a try: 
- This bag is stylish in which country?
- Similar bags cost over $100?  Really?  I guess I haven't been down the laptop bag aisle at BestBuy lately to tell you if that is accurate.  
- You know you are dealing with "quality" materials when they make sure to point out that it's made of "GENUINE leather".  The capitalization is key to fooling you into thinking it won't fall apart in 3 months.
- $19.95 is actually the exact price point someone is probably willing to pay for this hideous contraption.  At least they got something right!

And we'll send the Digital Message Reminder!  Just pay Processing and Handling. - No way!  It's a free "My Lil Reminder" knock off!  They even replaced the mother in the supermarket and old dumb lady in the parking lot!  Do you think My Lil Reminder sold them all of their excess inventory and allowed them to rename it?  By the way, what the hell is up with this new "Processing and Handling" thing?  Was "Shipping and Handling" too complicated for the infomercial crowds to understand?

I have to admit that this is a pretty killer package for just $19.95.  I might just buy it to see how much I can fit in this damn thing and get the pre-wife organized for once.  Even if the bag breaks, at least I will have a super sweet bootleg My Lil Reminder for those hungover days when I can't remember my own name.  "Where did I park my car"?

Your eyes are not deceiving you.  This infomercial is real.  I don't think you can fake something so infinitely awesome.  This is definitely a gift from the Infomercial Gods once again!  And Mr. T is still rockin' the sick Mohawk even though he's got a little bit of that Kanye West Black Mullet rockin' in the back.   Nice!

I was hoping he'd have a few of his gold rope chains to complete the old school A-Team look but the extra weight would probably pull down his head and smack it against the counter when he was bending over to eat a piece of steak or something.  We would only be so lucky to witness such comedy gold.   

There is just too much incredible information being delivered by the energetic yet robotic Mr. T and overly excited and extra perky sidekick Darla to type out but I will do my best to pick the best.  I think they say each others names roughly 45 times each as they deliver their corny lines too.  Check out these classics:

Mr. T - "Darla.  Ah mah eyez deceivin' me or am I lookin' at the frozen food section of the supahmarket?"
Darla - "You get to choose from chicken, steak, burgers, fish, ribs."
Mr. T - "But THESE all frozin solid. (Bang. Bang).  I pitty da fool who tries to get these down. I want to eat right now!  Not in a few hours."
Darla - "This is the Flavor Wave Turbo Oven."
Mr. T - "This is the cook?!?!  That's Coooooo!"
Darla - "You just set it too cook and you're off the hook!" (Editor's Note: Weak attempt to try and be the new "Set It and Forget It!)
Mr. T - "Look Ma!  I'm cookin'!  This is DEEEEElicious!  My taste buds IS goin' Wiiiillld!  You're right Darla.  It was fayyysssttt."
Mr. T (about the fries) - "Mmmmm!  They so golden brown and CRISPPPYYY!  IS good Darla!"
Mr. T (staring into camera) - "That's right boys and girls.  It's always good to eat YO veggies!"
Mr. T - "Why microwave when you can Flava Waaaayyyve!"
Darla - "Your not going to turn down a piece of this chocolate cake now, are you?"
Mr. T - "I PITTY DA FOOL who do dat!  Now let me have a piece!"

Here's a few more fantastic clips from one of the best infomercials I've seen in a long time. 
In all seriousness though, the Flavor Wave Turbo Oven actualy looks pretty awesome except for the fact that they are using halogen lighs and a desk fan from CVS to create the "tornado like air flow" with "convection air" on the inside of the machine.  The power of this thing is suspect at best. 

I would love to give this a try and see how the food comes out though.  I HATE defrosting food because I always forget to take it out before work or don't want to wait for it to defrost when I get home.   If you stick it in the microwave, you end up cooking the chicken or meat a little on the edges and it gets all rubbery and dry when you finish cooking it.   This is obviously a severe dillema for the average American that Mr. T was so kind to help us solve.  Thanks, Mr. T!!!

If this works as advertised (questionable), it's a great tool for bachelor's and husbands or lazy wives that can't cook.  I don't think this will sell as well as the Foreman Grill (which I'm sure Mr. T was hoping) but it has some potential.  I can't wait to see this infomercial again some Saturday or Sunday morning when I am hungover out of my mind and absolutely starving.  This is so much better than any movie or TV show available.  Pure comedy. 

Does anyone out there have the Flavor Wave?  If so, what do you think?

Be sure to check out Thane's official site if you're actually interested in buying The Flavor Wave.  Only 3 payments of $39.95!!!  Ha Ha.  Sweet.

YES!!!  My man Billy Mays has gone big time with his new ad for   My two favorite things on TV (ESPN and Infomercials) have finally collided to form one super awesome TV ad.  My head almost exploded when I first heard this blaring through the speakers at an obscene level: "BILLY MAYS HERE FOR!"  WhaWhaWhat?  No freakin' way!  Sweet.

Whoever came up with this idea is a genius.  Any time you want to sell your new product or service, who are you going to call?  Obviously it would be the bearded wonder, Billy Mays!  Whatever he's selling, I'm buying. 

"Live sports at work?  That's much better than work at work!"
"Now my job is way less soul crushing."


UPDATE:  Holy crap!  There are 3 more ads with Billy Mays that I never saw until yesterday.  I think the Office theme above is the still the best but the College theme is decent and the Billy Mays Intro with his family (all wearing beards) is pretty classic too.  So good!

Billy Mays Intro
Billy Mays Intro
Billy Mays On The Run

I'm sure you've seen one of these fantastic infomercials presented by Billy Mays while watching TV over the past 5-10 years. This guy is a freakin' infomercial legend! I was first introduced to his unique style of selling and yelling when he was promoting the Orange Glo and Oxi Clean products back in the late 90's/early 2000's.

Since then he has moved on to promote many great products such as the Handy Switch, Lint Wizard and Hercules Hook. This guy is a genius in my opinion and should be selling us products that we don't really need but really want for years to come, as long as he doesn't give himself a heart attack in the process. Slow down buddy! We understand that you really believe in this product. I get it!

This is Volume 1 of his Greatest Hits. I will be posting up many more over the next couple of weeks. The list is almost endless! Let me know if you have ever bought or used any of these products. I'm curious to hear which products really work and which ones are a waste of money. I can't imagine Billy Mays would ever promote a bunk product though! He is too trustworthy.

Billy Mays for President!

This is a new-school classic.  I still see this one on TV once in awhile, which shows they were well ahead of the curve with the "Magic Bullet" presentation.  The fantastic production quality helped this infomercial stay "current' for all those hip folks making fruit smoothies and salsas every day.  This clip is even better than the original because it's edited down just to clips of Berman, the lovable yet skeptical and grumpy party animal.

I don't know what it is about Mimi but she's kind of hot for an older infomercial host.  The more I watch this, the friskier she gets.  As you can see by her flowery and brightly colored sun dress, she's ready to party.   Woah, did this exchange just happen?
Mimi: You're gonna want it there because you're gonna use it EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Berman: C'mon, Mimi.  Every single day?
Mimi: Several times a day.  Because it will do any job in the kitchen in ten seconds or less!

Wow!  Just ten seconds, Mimi?  Wait, we are talking about the tasks the Magic Bullet can handle, right?  Um, I mean the blending tasks?  To be honest, I wouldn't put it past Mimi to test out ALL of the Magic Bullet's potential uses.  She's very thorough.  Let's just move on before this gets any weirder...  

Does Berman live in this house with these infomercial freaks or is he just one of those annoying neighbors that  stops by at all times of the day?  Is it kind of like Big Brother except they are tested on how well they can promote cheap, shitty products as their challenges?  I bet Berman never wins and is always on the eviction block.  He doesn't seem to fit the profile of happy, yet insanely annoying and overacting host.  No wonder he's such a booze bag.  If you can't beat these clowns to win these shitty acting roles, you might as well just drink a bottle of Jack to soak away the pain.

"Could you turn that TV DOWN PLEASE!?!"  Um, could you Shut the F up?  Damn, that was harsh lady.  Why don't you chillax for a second and give this guy a break.  He's probably losing his hearing from all that yappin' you do in his ear on a daily basis!  I'm kind of surprised at this point in the relationship that he isn't just sleeping in the guest room or even the couch.  At least then, he could watch some shitty late night TV as loud as he wants.  Fight for your right to party, dude!  You don't have to take that harassment.

"DOES THAT HAVE TO BE SO LOUD!!!"  Again, you really need to chill, bitch.  This lady seems like she is a complete douche!  How are they still married?  This guy must be going nuts inside and must want to slap her upside the grill with that remote.  I'm not even sure she is acting either.  Why you gotta yell at my boy so much?  You don't hear him complaining about your wrinkly face and saggy titties, do you?  By the way, does she not realize she is using a PORTABLE phone?  Take it in the next room and let him enjoy the TV, which is probably one of his few escapes from your menopause filled rage.

Oh, no way!  It's that old bitch who can't find her car again!  She has a whole assortment of issues and ailments.  First it was memory loss and now it's hearing problems.  Why don't you just call it a day sweetheart and take it inside.  You obviously can't function in the real world at this point in your life and you're probably causing more harm than good.

There they go with that "micro technology" again.   "It's smaller than a credit card".  You don't say.  If being discreet was the goal of the tiny form factor, it kind of defeats the purpose since you still have to put those shiny, low quality headphones on.  How many people are really going to think you're listening to an iPod?  They don't make MP3's of vaudeville cabaret...

"An Australian woman had unwanted facial hair that she just couldn't get rid of by any means."  Um, how about shave it?  A razor costs 99 cents and will keep you from getting ridiculed by small children.  You might have some razor bumps and a five o'clock shadow but it's better than putting Nads on your face.  Remind me to never go to Australia to pick up chicks unless I want to end up as an extra on an episode of Carnivale.  I think the lady hosting may have puked in her mouth when she first viewed the before and after photos.  That was a solid dramatic pause.  Unfortunately, I think she has been in this situation before.

I don't even think the facial hair was real, considering it looked like the pubic hair of an 80 year old black man dangling from her face with some theatrical glue.  Even the "Others" on Lost had more believable costumes.  Couldn't they at least give her the dark black pubes or did those cost extra?  Freakin' jokers.  And who thought it was a good idea to name the product Nads?  That's almost as ridiculous as naming your kid Dick Sweat.  How about some common sense people!

"Oh No!  Where Did I park my car?"  Ha ha.   This is one of my all time favorites.  Pull your head of your ass old lady and try writing it down or something.  If you can't remember where you parked after going to the mall for a few hours, then you probably shouldn't be driving in the first place.   Put on your diaper and make sure you don't leave the house ever again.  I run the risk of dying every day because people like you are driving 40 in the fast lane, riding the brake or wandering aimlessly in crowded parking lots.

"Micro Technology makes it smaller than a business card."  It's called flash memory and it's been available since the early 90's.  Is this really a selling point?  I would think the old folk that buy this crap would be afraid of being tracked by the the scary Russians.  They refuse to use ATM's or even put money in the bank but they are going to learn how to use an electronic recorder?  I can't even get my grandmother to answer the phone when it's raining because she's afraid that she might get hit by lightining. 

There's a reason why this costs so much less than the competing products...because this is a piece of shit!  But guess what, it's only $9.99!!!  And you also get a built in flashlight and a second "Lil' Reminder" if you act now.  On second tought, that's a pretty good deal.  Where can I order one again?

The French version is a nice added bonus.  I couldn't understand a damn thing they were saying but they sounded a lot more convincing than the English version.  I guess French people don't really suck at everything.  Selling crappy products in Infomercials is right in their wheelhouse.