(WARNING: This video will auto-play. I couldn't figure out how to shut it off so just pause it if you are trying to watch something else. I know it's annoying. Sorry.)
Before I start dissecting the actual infomercial for the utterly ridiculous Buxton Over The Shoulder Bag, can I ask the ladies out there WHY THE F#$% they need to carry so much garbage around all the time? Is it written in to your DNA? I mean seriously. It has gotten completely out of control. The pre-wife carries what is the equivalent of a hockey bag and then complains when she can't find her cell phone in less than a half hour. She could probably fit a midget in one of those ugly ass things too.
And enough with those awful Vera Bradley brightly colored bags that threw up paisley all over themselves. What the hell are those things anyway? It looks like someone's grandmother took an old blanket they had lying around and decided to make a bag out of it and then randomly charge $400. It's just awful. Maybe I will sew together a bunch of my old sweatshirts, give it a catchy name and start selling them for some absurd amount of money too. I bet it would sell because people are DUMB!
So enough with my somewhat related rant. Let's get back to the actual infomercial. Maybe the Buxton Over the Shoulder Bag is a necessary product after all. I guess Buxton really found their niche since this is does seem like such a serious issue that they are helping to solve. Have you ever actually seen someone wear one of these bags though? Even computer nerds that carry around laptop bags all day would think this bag was awful. That's just not a good look.
Let's take a look at some of their key selling points and see if anyone in their right mind would order one of these things:
Buxton; Quality leather since 1898 - And where exactly have you been selling your products for the past 100+ years? No one has ever heard of you. That's not a good sign.
The biggest little bag ever - I'll give them some credit on this one. It's a catchy tag line and it's kind of true. As ugly as this bag is, it can sure fit a hell of a lot of crap in it! 2 Points.
It's expandable! Store 2 regular size water bottles and an umbrella!!! - Why would you need all of that in one day? Water is about a $1 a bottle. I'll give you the 2 bucks. And if it rains, just go inside a building or catch a cab. Don't take advantage of the expandable feature and save yourself the future back pain. You will thank me later.
It's stylish design looks great with any outfit. Similar bags can cost up to $100. Call now and get the Buxton Organizer in GENUINE Leather for just $19.95! - There's just too much going on in this one little paragraph but I will give it a try:
- This bag is stylish in which country?
- Similar bags cost over $100? Really? I guess I haven't been down the laptop bag aisle at BestBuy lately to tell you if that is accurate.
- You know you are dealing with "quality" materials when they make sure to point out that it's made of "GENUINE leather". The capitalization is key to fooling you into thinking it won't fall apart in 3 months.
- $19.95 is actually the exact price point someone is probably willing to pay for this hideous contraption. At least they got something right!
And we'll send the Digital Message Reminder! Just pay Processing and Handling. - No way! It's a free "My Lil Reminder" knock off! They even replaced the mother in the supermarket and old dumb lady in the parking lot! Do you think My Lil Reminder sold them all of their excess inventory and allowed them to rename it? By the way, what the hell is up with this new "Processing and Handling" thing? Was "Shipping and Handling" too complicated for the infomercial crowds to understand?
I have to admit that this is a pretty killer package for just $19.95. I might just buy it to see how much I can fit in this damn thing and get the pre-wife organized for once. Even if the bag breaks, at least I will have a super sweet bootleg My Lil Reminder for those hungover days when I can't remember my own name. "Where did I park my car"?
